Yes I know it's been a while, I also know that I probably have no one reading these, which is alright as well. I sort of just use this as a way to vent, and to 'talk out loud' so to speak... so, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think its time to change something in my life.. I'm not quite sure what it will be yet, but with me going to school and having so many classes to keep up on (I'm taking stats, abn. psych and chem. all three super hard this semester, not incl the other 2 I'm taking as well) I fel like I havn't had time to think about anything, or concentrate on anything lately. And what's funny, I could be doing my homework right now as well, but I needed this time to just type. Not write a paper, not to take an online test. Just for myself. So as I'm sitting here, watching 'A knights tale' (which is one of my fav. movies) I can just think. What am I thinking about you ask? I'm thinking of homework (of course), the papers that are due, working tonight, my two kids and I'm also thinking about my future nursing program that I'll be in. I'm completely nervous about the classes, nervous about how difficult it will be, and how long its going to feel like, yet how quickly it'll go once I'm in the classes.
What I want, is my masters in nursing. I want to go as far as my mind and body will let me, and as far as I can to prove to my kids that anything is possible. That, actually, is the hard part of going to nursing school. two years, I'll have to stop any kind of social life in order to give to my kids what they deserve. ..hell, maybe even longer. Either way, I have this urge to just be a role model for those two little things that need something like that in their lives. They need someone to show them, they need to be able to know that anything is possible in this world, as long as they have determination, and that want in their lives to get what they want. I want them to know that their mommy never gave up, and they shouldn't either.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to think, either. I think I was in some sort of funk there for a while too. The whole 'you are your own worst critic' saying, that was defining me there for a long time, but the key to it, is that if you're so hard on yourself, how do you expect to accept who you truly are? If your that completely hard on yourself, how to do you expect to better yourself, when all you care to do is put yourself down. I hope I really do understand what I'm writing right now, because it would suck if I get it now, but later on I forget, and go through all this again. And the fact that I have to get my kids into school, home from school, daycare... ugh. How do some parents do it? Seriously, I can't figure it out sometimes. Maybe at some point I'll understand, and I'll have my own different way of coping, but for now, me typing, and talking it out, is about the best way I can go.
I don't think winter is helping much either. I mean, the whole 'winter depression' thing helps, although I don't believe that I have that. It's all in the mind, I think. Maybe after this semester is over, I'll be able to have a break like I'm hoping. I think that's what I need, is a break from school, to just relax, but I don't want to, that's the problem. I want to be finished, and not over do myself each semester. But one of these days, maybe it'll all make sense. I mean, come on. sooner or later I'll be completely finished with school than I'll wonder how I even made it. Right?
What I want, is my masters in nursing. I want to go as far as my mind and body will let me, and as far as I can to prove to my kids that anything is possible. That, actually, is the hard part of going to nursing school. two years, I'll have to stop any kind of social life in order to give to my kids what they deserve. ..hell, maybe even longer. Either way, I have this urge to just be a role model for those two little things that need something like that in their lives. They need someone to show them, they need to be able to know that anything is possible in this world, as long as they have determination, and that want in their lives to get what they want. I want them to know that their mommy never gave up, and they shouldn't either.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to think, either. I think I was in some sort of funk there for a while too. The whole 'you are your own worst critic' saying, that was defining me there for a long time, but the key to it, is that if you're so hard on yourself, how do you expect to accept who you truly are? If your that completely hard on yourself, how to do you expect to better yourself, when all you care to do is put yourself down. I hope I really do understand what I'm writing right now, because it would suck if I get it now, but later on I forget, and go through all this again. And the fact that I have to get my kids into school, home from school, daycare... ugh. How do some parents do it? Seriously, I can't figure it out sometimes. Maybe at some point I'll understand, and I'll have my own different way of coping, but for now, me typing, and talking it out, is about the best way I can go.
I don't think winter is helping much either. I mean, the whole 'winter depression' thing helps, although I don't believe that I have that. It's all in the mind, I think. Maybe after this semester is over, I'll be able to have a break like I'm hoping. I think that's what I need, is a break from school, to just relax, but I don't want to, that's the problem. I want to be finished, and not over do myself each semester. But one of these days, maybe it'll all make sense. I mean, come on. sooner or later I'll be completely finished with school than I'll wonder how I even made it. Right?
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